just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
