he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
