I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
