i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
