I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
