i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
