Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize