I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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