good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
