My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize