Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
