my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
