what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
