i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
