I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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