I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize