That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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