Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize