Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The air was thick with penises
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
