it's not cheating when I paid for it
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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