If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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