onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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