I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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