____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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