I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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