im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
