Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
