mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
