i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
