Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
my liver is dry heaving
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
