she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
