It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
