I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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