i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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