Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
