Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
