You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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