so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
