Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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