my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
