I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
