if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
