Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
