i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
