Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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