i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Are my feet made of real feet?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
