this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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