a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
