I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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