shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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