I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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