he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
