Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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