oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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