final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
