I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
