Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
