Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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