Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
