she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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