I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
