i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
